BEFORE WE GO ANY FURTHER!
This post is not for people under the age of 18. It is very much NSFW and contains graphic descriptions of sex.
I’m so sorry.
You may have seen on the twitters dot com that the Liz shared a Guardian article, Bad sex award 2018: the contenders in quotes. It’s fucking hilarious. The metaphors for doing the nasty and the bits involved is just… well… creative. My favourite is, Soon I was locked in, balls deep, ready to be ground down by the enamelled pepper mill within her. /life ded now rip Stark.
The content of these stories is obvs not my thing. I once tried to read 50 Shades of Grey, because the women in my team at work were reading it and loving it and I wanted to read it so I could be the cool boss. It’s fucking horrendous and a terrible book. The only other explicit story I have read is Jesus of Scumburg by the Leo X. Robertson. That’s a fantastic book and hopefully will find a new publisher very soon. I do digress. Apart from 50 shades, I haven’t read any other explicitly erotic stories. Or should I say, I hadn’t, because, oh boy, I have now!
Following a little bants on the twitter dot com, the Liz set the challenge to write the most insane sex scene. Well I like a challenge, I do. So I went about doing some research. I googled ‘free sex stories’. FOR RESEARCH! Your honour. As I am sure you can imagine, I very quickly found a lot of sites that offer this service. I settled on one site in particular, sorted to their most popular stories and scanned over the first 10 or so. It turns out, there are people who write erotic stories for every scenario and kink you could ever think of. Just, wow. It was an education for me. This is a whole new world that I discovered.
Once my eyes stopped burning, I was able to compile a little list of the most common tropes that popped up in most of the stories.
1. The majority of these stories are written by men.
2. There is no such thing as just a penis, it is always a rock hard cock.
3. The stranger the metaphor, the better. Also, people get very creative with their similes.
4. Guys think about having sex with their sisters, a lot!
5. There is very little plot, other than ‘this is how we had sex’.
6. Some of these writers, clearly do not know how the human body works. I read one story where a woman circumcises a guy with her powerful vagina muscles!
7. Stories involving defloration, or virginity in general are very popular.
I’m trying not to judge with these stories, but I do find them weird, and I found so much unintentional humour in them. Porn, in any medium, isn’t my thing, but I ain’t gonna shame others for it – each to their own. As I understand, it can be a very healthy part of sexual expression.
But anyway, I often read that writers should occasionally try to write outside of their comfort zone. And so, I rose to the Liz’s challenge, and wrote the most disgusting scene I’ve ever written. It was a lot of fun. I laughed my way through the whole thing. I tried to get in as many of the cliches listed above as possible. There may be some errors with spellings etc because, for obvious reasons, I haven’t done much editing of this. Forgive me. For the lack of editing, and in general.
Once again, I am really sorry.
I can only apologise. I’m so very sorry. It’s times like this I am glad I don’t have any family and that nobody I know IRL reads my stuff, because, this could get weird. The irony of such a story being written by an asexual has not been lost on me here, and I hope it isn’t with anyone who reads it. I am aware that I have lost my right to ever complain about a sex scene in any book I read going forward. If you enjoyed the story, and laughed at how ridiculous it is, please come and let me know so I don’t drown in self doubt and regret. I promise, my next piece will be better! (not a guarantee)
Anyway, I’m off to hide in a box of shame. Until next time, Peace and Love!